I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
