you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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