Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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