party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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