i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
