You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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