You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
