the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
