and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
