She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
