Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You made out with two different species that night
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
