The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
