I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to sanitize my soul.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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