Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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