I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In other news, I just burned my penis
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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