I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
