i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When did angry sex become our thing?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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