he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
