I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
