The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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