he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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