Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
