I like to think it a success when the cops are called
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
