Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
