I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
