I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
