eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
