she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
