am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
