Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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