just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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