We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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