Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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