What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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