How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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