Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
