I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
