I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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