What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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