He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
