I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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