If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
