mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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