I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
