did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
