My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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