I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
