In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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