I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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