I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
