gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
