there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
