Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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