You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
