I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
